It’s about that time where I feel this melancholy, nostalgic, heart-controlling feeling flow through my body and seep into my bones. Somedays I feel… ‘normal’. As if everything is okay and I am sure that my life is exactly how it is supposed to be. And then, this feeling comes and knocks everything I’ve ever known off balance. My past becomes my present. My anxiety becomes my shadow and ‘greatest friend’.
And I wonder how my mind does this.
How I have this infinite battle with who I want to be / who I should be / who I am / and who I think I am. There’s this girl, afraid and needy in the corner; and there is another wishing to see the world and experience every adventure she could possibly grasp in her hands. There’s the girl who thinks (and maybe yearns for) a white-picket fence life and there’s a girl whom embraces that chaos is all she has ever known.
A constant battle of never being truly satisfied.
Am I happy? Am I just pretending to be? Do I miss the ones I have lost? Or do they mean nothing but a stranger passing in the street? Am I losing touch with my soulful, genuine self in this materialistic, shallow world?
Because when leaves fall to the ground, my soul does as well.